I discovered something on Monday that startled and worried me - didn't talk about it to anyone and let it quietly simmer at the back of my mind. Today, I was given another piece of even worse news - news that unsettled me and scared me all at the same time.
This combined with crazy hormones - yes I AM that much of a girl - served to neatly sever my ability to reason from my (admittedly slightly wild) imagination.
So Imagination drifts off for an excursion, bobbing merrily in the waters while Reason, standing on shore is frantically trying to reel it back.
During this time, my brain makes a leap and connects up several pieces of information into one slightly manic mess of a crazy idea which fastens onto the side of my skull like a burr.
By this time, Reason is standing on the shore, jumping up and down waving red, white and green flags, shooting off flares and trying to the coast guard in to REEL THAT CRAZY IMAGINATION IN.
No avail of course. By the time recalcitrant Imagination chuckles over the waves and back to shore, Reason is slumped in defeat, expecting the worst.
*takes a deep breath*
If I have learned one thing and one thing only in my whole life, it is this:
God is sovereign.
So. A poem, one of the best I have ever read.
O LORD, You have searched me and known me.
You know my sitting down and my rising up;
You understand my thought afar off.
You comprehend my path and my lying down,
And are acquainted with all my ways.
For there is not a word on my tongue,
But behold, O LORD, You know it altogether.
You have hedged me behind and before,
And laid Your hand upon me.
Where can I go from Your Spirit?
Or where can I flee from Your presence?
If I ascend into heaven, You are there;
If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there.
If I take the wings of the morning,
And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
Even there Your hand shall lead me,
And Your right hand shall hold me.
If I say, “Surely the darkness shall fall[a] on me,”
Even the night shall be light about me;
Indeed, the darkness shall not hide from You,
But the night shines as the day;
From Psalm 139
For those who listened today - thank you. You helped. For those I may have unwittingly offended/alarmed, thank you for your patience. You have my deepest sincerest apologies if I alarmed you or caused any misunderstanding. Those chapters were indeed closed - but panic and sheer irrationality made me flip them open again.
Onwards. Tomorrow beckons and ... God is sovereign.
For now, Emily Bronte on courage.
No Coward Soul Is Mine
No coward soul is mine,
No trembler in the world's storm-troubled sphere:
I see Heaven's glories shine,
And faith shines equal, arming me from Fear.
O God within my breast,
Almighty, ever-present Deity!
Life - that in me hast rest,
As I - Undying Life- have power in Thee!
Vain are the thousand creeds
That move men's hearts, unutterably vain;
Worthless as withered weeds
Or idlest froth amid the boundless main,
To waken doubt in one
Holding so fast by Thine infinity;
So surely anchored on
The steadfast rock of immortality.
With wide-embracing love
Thy Spirit animates eternal years,
Pervades and broods above,
Changes, sustains, dissolves, creates and rears
Though Earth and moon were gone,
And suns and universes ceased to be,
And Thou wert left alone,
Every Existence would exist in Thee.
There is not room for Death,
Nor atom that his might could render void:
Thou - Thou art Being and Breath,
And what Thou art may never be destroyed.