I finally caught up with an old old friend today. And we worked out that I hadn't seen him for 2.5 years and then found out that along the last 6 months that I hadn't spoken to him, he and another very old friend had both quit their respective Masters programs and were now back in Singapore. Z is now job hunting and C is working at her dad's company.
I realised somewhere along the phone conversation that I was close to tears and realised why.
Those two and I were best friends. We were a triumvirate once. All through late primary, secondary, college and university, we hung out, celebrated birthdays together and found first boyfriends together.
I missed them when they weren't there and realised that they like so many other friends were just some of the casualties of the last relationship I'd had. It was my fault mostly, I'd stopped confiding in anyone, even my nearest and dearest about the crap I was going thrgough. Which meant that for as long as I was in the middle of the crap, I was pretty much unable to talk to or connect with anyone meaningfully for awhile. And the guy in question pretty much discouraged me from talking to them about it as well.
So today, a year and a half after my breakup, I finally made the first move.
I picked up the phone and called them. And realised how much I'd missed them and how much they would have helped me if I'd just been smart enough to talk to them and tell them all the stuff I was going through.
I still miss them so much. And I wish I'd been a better friend. And I will never let another relationship keep me from my friends again. It's just not worth it.