Monday, October 20, 2008

No Tears

Before I go into the post proper, I just thought I'd add a little disclaimer. This blog is where I go when I'm sad or miserable or just need to vent. I am mostly happy and at peace with myself. This blog is for the nights when the day has been long and I have not been able to see the sun.

Today wasn't such a day. It's just that today was the day I finally realized what that thread of emotion inside was all about. That funny thread that has dogged me since I got back to Singapore.

It's panic.

I've been in a constant state of panic and stress for four months. Part of it is starting a new job and having to cope with not knowing how to do alot of stuff, but most of it has to do the fact that I haven't cried since the break up with Boy.

I just have alot of pent up SAD, with capitals, all buttoned down inside of me. Put that together with the strain of a new job and the fact that I've always been the nervy jittery type anyway and you have a pressure cooker situation building.

Whenever I panicked at work, I put it down to the fact that I was new and didn't know the ropes yet. But I admit, that I am the tense panicky type anyway. But the real panic was in that when I came home from a tense day, Boy wasn't there.

Boy took alot of that away. The tenseness, the inferiority complex, the stress. Just by being there, he took it away and I miss him the most for that.

I really need that cry. It's getting to be really awful inside me andI just keep feeling like I need to let it out. I've been stress eating and gaining weight, I've been making mistakes and I've just been exhausted with keeping all that tightly in.

The worst bit of a breakup is the forever bit. The bit where you look into the future and you can hardly believe that you won't be together again....ever. It seems impossibly difficult to see the future then, because the panic and grief clouds everything, and blinded, you fumble forward.

One step, then two. Another step, then another.

One day, then two. Another day, then another.

Ten minutes at a time, then an hour. You can block your vision so that you only focus on one thing at a time. The next step, the next hour, the next day. You stop planning for the future, stop thinking about next year. You think about only the next day and its attendant joys or sorrows and let it be enough.

It has to be enough.

1 comment:

Hannah Grace of God said...

Yes dear... One day at a time... And I'm glad you've decided to take it one step at a time. =)

BTW, we're still owing each other an outing together. Let's go out!